There is hardly a person in the world who has never been in a situation where they had to overcome a relationship breakup. The head of a marriage agency, Tamsen Fadal, is no exception. She had a really painful divorce and she had to look for a new meaning of life. In her book “The New Single: Finding, Fixing, and Falling Back in Love with Yourself” she talks about the revelations that people might have during this time.
We at Bright Side decided to share Tamsen’s ideas with you because there are a lot of important things that people start to realize after they break up with someone. Her ideas will help you build a long-term harmonious relationship in the future. And also, we will tell you what you shouldn’t do.
1. Nothing terrible happened.
At first, you will feel sorry for yourself, you will suffer, think about the time you spent together, and tell your friends everything. You will have sleepless nights and lose your appetite. But there will be a moment when you will simply move on. Tamsen thinks that the first 90 days after breaking up with someone are the hardest. They are the “survival mode.” She recommends not making rushed decisions, getting rid of the things that hurt you, and also pay attention to your appearance and health.
2. You knew very little about yourself.
In relationships people often make so many compromises that they forget what they really want and who they really are. You don’t want to disappoint your partner, so you do what they want on weekends, and you even go on vacations to the places they want. Well, now is the time to do what you really like. Maybe it will turn out that you don’t like the design of your apartment, that you don’t like cooking all that much, and when you went to the Alps every year, you actually wanted to go to the beach.
3. Get some quiet time.
Of course, not everyone can just go on vacation like people in the movies. But you could try a new cuisine or meditate at home. Tamsen recommends “unplugging yourself.” This means that you should put away all your devices for an hour and spend this time in silence with yourself. This will give you a chance to breathe and look around. You will have a deeper understanding of what you want to do.
4. It’s better to be single than alone in a relationship.
One of the main reasons why people hold on to their relationships is their fear of being alone. The idea of going to the movies, having dinner in a cafe, and spending weekends alone is intimidating and even terrifying for some. But in fact, we are not scared of being physically alone, but being alone with our thoughts and feelings. Being single is not the same as being alone. It’s not an illness you should treat. This is just an opportunity to learn more about yourself and do whatever you want here and now.
5. To find “the right person” you need to let go of “the wrong person” first.
The path is over when a goal is reached. The same works for relationships. 2 people meet, they learn something together and teach each other and when the lesson ends, the relationship becomes dull. Even though this moment is usually really sad, this is the price of the access to the next level of self-development. Before you start a new relationship, make sure you are over the previous one. Otherwise, the new partner won’t be able to find a place in your life.
6. Now you can do a lot of things.
Maybe before you met your partner, you had some dreams or plans but your life together made you reconsider your priorities. Now nothing limits you and you can make your dreams come true.
7. You must be self-fulfilled to be happy with someone else.
It’s important to know who you can trust but it’s more important to trust yourself. Say out loud what worries you and it will make you feel better. You can’t find a new person before you realize what you really need and want.
When people have a way to express themselves, they feel way happier. The same goes for your appearance. When you are single, you can let yourself wear anything you want without asking anyone’s opinions and having to follow them. So, enjoy the time when you are single to experiment with your appearance.
In any case, you should remember that there is nothing terrible about breaking up with someone. This is your opportunity to draw conclusions, thank this person for the happy days you spent together, and move on. Have you ever had an experience where someone decided to break up with you? What would you recommend to the people who are trying to overcome this now?